you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
