I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
