...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
