I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
