paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
