i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
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I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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