I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
