There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
