You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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