Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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