I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
