im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
