We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
