my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
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Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.