This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.