9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
