I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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