I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
