I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you had me at cake vodka
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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