Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
