Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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