At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
