i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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