I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I could make wine with my vomit
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
