2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
