best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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