the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
