Soap is not a condiment
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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