We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
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In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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