I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
