I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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