If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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