remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
