My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
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Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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