Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
