i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
