jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
