Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
