just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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