we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
