someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize