I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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