Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
