jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
