I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
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It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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