Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
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I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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