i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
