i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
