she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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