Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
