I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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