You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
