I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
