I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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