I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
