I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
