I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
