wanna go halves on a baby?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
